How to say NO like a pro

by Charlotte Garner

The automatic ‘yes’ in us comes from the fact that most of us want to get along with our co-workers and be helpful and friendly, which can make ‘yes’ feel like the only answer we can give.

You certainly don’t want to be the person labelled as ‘not a team player’ or ‘unwilling to pitch in’.  For this reason, “no” doesn’t always come naturally. 

What is the cost of saying yes?

Taking on other people’s tasks or diverting your time to handle someone else’s work simply because of a desire not to offend can be a recipe for resentment and may leave you overworked and stressed!

You may end up sacrificing sleep, exercise, time with family or others outside of work; feeling overwhelmed, guilty, frustrated and resentful.

When you allow your colleagues’ requests to divert your attention from your own priorities, everyone may end up frustrated, particularly if it results in missed deadlines or low-quality work.

Saying no more often to colleagues

Fortunately, the solution to this huge challenge often involves a relatively small change in behaviour: thinking through and practicing how to say ‘no’ or ‘not now’ nicely.

Be respectful in your manner

Be polite but firm.  There is no reason for you to be rude; but often awkwardness can result in a perception of defensiveness or even disrespect.  Even if you know what you are going to say when they approach you, it is respectful to hear them out.  Watch your tone and body language and strive for a neutral expression.

Practice: I appreciate you thinking of me, but unfortunately I don’t have the time to give this my best right now.  I think you would benefit from finding someone who can devote more time and energy to this project.

Be straightforward

If you need to turn down the request, be honest and up front about your reasons.  Don’t distort your message or act tentatively because you’re trying to keep your colleague happy.  Be honest and make sure your reason is understood, as making ‘lightweight excuses’ can come across as disingenuous and you may be challenged.

Practice: That’s not my area of expertise, but I would be happy to connect you with someone who could best help you solve this problem.

Assess the request first

Don’t say no until you’re sure you need to.  Assess the request first by considering how interesting or important the opportunity is or how long it will take and then determining whether it’s feasible for you to help.  Think about what’s on your plate, whether priorities can be shuffled, or whether a colleague could step in to assist you on your other projects.

Practice: Could you email me the details of that request and once I receive them, I’ll be able to give you a more definite response on whether I can get that done for you.

Show a willingness to pitch in

Even if you are unable to take on the project, you may still be able to offer some smaller assistance.  By offering to assist in this way, you will still convey ‘team spirit’.

Practice: Although I can’t take on this project, perhaps I can assist in some other way such as reading the first draft.

Stall if you suspect the person may resolve it on their own

Many small or low priority requests can equal a large barrier to delivering your own projects.  An opinion, basic technical query or just giving an ear to vent can take up significant time if you don’t triage and prioritise.  You can avoid getting drawn in to avoidable requests by stalling the request.

Practice: Really happy to help.  Can you give me 20 minutes? Or could we make a time to discuss this afternoon/tomorrow?

Practice makes perfect…

Saying no to a colleague may not feel comfortable, but it does get better the more it is said.  Your tone should be clear and your demeanour diplomatic.  You want to say no in a way that makes people respect you.

Practice saying no out loud — eventually it will become easier.

…and be prepared for negative feedback

No matter how diplomatic you are, your colleague may not be happy.  They may feel frustrated by your response, but it may not be personal.  You can’t please everyone and shouldn’t look at it as a choice between confrontation and preserving a relationship.

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For further information, contact Charlotte at cgarner@dixonappointments.com.au or call 03 9629 9999.